The devil made me do it!

Something happened yesterday that very rarely does and it left me wondering why I did it.  The first answer that I settled on was simple.  The devil made me do it!  That little phrase brought back fond memories of the late comedian Flip Wilson who played a character named Geraldine.  Each time that Geraldine did something questionable, she said, "The devil made me do it!"

The simple answer, while funny, was not good enough for me so I gave it a bit more thought.  Wait, I forgot to tell you what I did.  I lied to get myself out of an extremely uncomfortable situation.   That is not how I operate.  It either is or it isn't; it's black or white with virtually no room for iffyness or shades of gray.  Since most people don't care to hear the truth without a little shellac, it makes me seem abrasive.

Here's the to do.  I passed a random man, just one of many, while at the Veteran's Hospital.  He smiled and greeted me.  As is customary, I responded in kind.  Later, I saw him again and he smiled and gave the head nod.  I nodded and got in line.  While I waited for my turn at the service window, another veteran and I chatted to pass the time.  After I signed my paperwork,  I headed to the stairwell leading to the basement rather than taking the elevator.  It's just a little bit of much needed exercise.

Halfway down the stairs, I am completely caught off guard by a man's voice. 

"Excuse me!" He added, "I don't mean no harm," motioning downward with his hands  as if to say "calm down" when I turned my head in his direction, obviously startled.  "I think you very attractive. I was wondering... you married?"

"Uh, no. But I'm seeing someone," I hurriedly added the last part in order to quit the conversation as soon as possible.

"Okay. Like I said, I don't mean no harm."

I realized I was still giving him my best "don't f*@k with me" look. "Okay," I responded as I quickly continued my descent to the basement.

The feeling I felt when that man startled me lingered.  I found myself telling my son about it when I returned home.  A friend and professional contact called and before I even realized it, I was telling her how the incident fouled up my day. That's when it finally dawned on me that I wasn't upset just because I lied to get rid of him.  It was much deeper than that.  After all, I did what I needed to do in that moment to extricate myself from an undesirable situation -- unexpectedly finding myself alone in a stairwell with a strange man whose intentions were unknown to me.

Here is what truly bothered me:

1.  I let my guard down.

2.  I did not pay attention to my surroundings.

3.  I assumed I was safe in my current environment (the hospital).

4. After the incident, I focused on the wrong thing (the lie).

Before heading for the stairwell, I noticed the man looking at me and smiling but I totally ignored him, thinking only of getting to my next destination, filling out the paperwork there, stopping by the dental clinic to find out why my appointment was cancelled without a new one being set up and getting back on the road to go home. Besides, he was just one of many men who smiled and spoke or even tried to strike up a conversation. That's not unusual at the VA hospital.  The male patients have always greatly outnumbered the female patients, so just because of sheer volume, I assume, a woman tends to get lots of attention, whether wanted or warranted. 

And who hits on women at the damn hospital? It's always happened to me but I can't for the life of me figure out why anyone would think of the hospital as a potential place to pick up a date.  You have no idea why that person is there for treatment.  Trust and believe when I tell you that it's not just other patients but employees as well. Seriously, guys? That's probably not the best idea you've ever had.  It wouldn't be my choice of places to find a suitable man.

Anyhow, once I get even an inkling that a guy is eyeing me in a way I am not comfortable with, the smile is put away and the stone face comes up.  Thinking back on it, I did feel a bit annoyed that the man was looking at me while I was in line but I dismissed it because he just happened to be sitting in a chair where that row faces the window I was waiting to get to.  I thought that as long as I didn't look that way, there wouldn't be a problem.  I let my guard down.

I saw that man look at me as I left for the stairs but I didn't give it a second thought.  I went into the stairwell and never looked back until I heard his voice, looked around and realized that he had followed me. He was able to open the door to the stairwell without my hearing it. Footsteps... I heard nothing.  As I admitted earlier, I was deep in thought about the other things I had to do before going home. I did not pay attention to my surroundings.

No one would probably be overly concerned about something bad happening to him or her at the hospital, right?  Well, once I found myself alone in that stairwell with some random guy hot on my heels, it was not a comfortable place to be. In retrospect, that stairwell was eerily quiet, especially compared to the buzz of multiple conversations being carried on by the many veterans and family members in the waiting area near the main entrance. There are two heavy doors, one each separating the first floor and the basement, which means that stairwell is encapsulated.  The probability of someone hearing me scream is low (in my opinion). Yet, obviously, I assumed that I was safe in that environment.

After I was back on the road and had time to think, I kept wondering why I didn't just say what I usually say when a guy that I am not interested in shows interest in me.

"Thanks but I'm not interested in meeting anyone right now." 

It's that or some variation of it. I have no problem with having it simply roll off my tongue. On this particular day, in that particular moment, I did not feel that I should say it.  So, I lied because I didn't want him to come back with a request for my phone number or some similar question after I confirmed that I was not married. It bothered me that I didn't come out with it and tell that guy that it didn't matter whether I was married or single because he was not someone I would date. The fact of the matter is, he startled me and made me extremely uncomfortable and I did what I had to do to get out of the situation. The lie was the wrong focal point.

Reader, you're probably wondering why the situation as a whole bothered me so much.  I'll tell you in my next post. 

Thanks for stopping by -- even if the devil made you do it!

Sunida