As everyone has experienced from time to time, I had one of those horrid days that refused to go along as I had planned. I had to postpone our encounter until the evening. I dressed casually in shorts and a t-shirt with my hair down. I'm most confident when I'm wearing comfortable clothing and don't have to worry about how I look. I sauntered into the living room where Jillian was already waiting. She started things nice and easy. I had not expected that. It was refreshing and appreciated. Not long after giving me a bit of time to warm up to her, things took off and I found myself becoming quite heated. Girlfriend made me lose my breath!
Before I could even reach for a towel, sweat was racing down my face at a faster pace than we were moving. Jillian had made my temperature soar within minutes. Yes, I was hot, on fire! We did it standing, on a mat but sometimes on the bare floor. Pushing and pumping... oh my, how she worked me! And she never screamed, not once. The experience was exhilarating but not enough to keep me faithful.
I can't pinpoint the exact time that I began to fantasize about someone else. All I know is that in the midst of all the heavy breathing, when I felt weak at the knees, I knew she was too much for me. "Oh, have mercy!" I managed to beg between pants but my pleas went unheard. Once Jillian gets going, she doesn't slow down; but that's only because of her fierce dedication. She told me about her dedication in the beginning. I believe her now. Even when I became accusatory and cursed at her, she continued to push. "Damn! Bi*atch, you're trying to kill me," I moaned. So, finally, I did the only thing I could. I cheated on Jillian Michaels.
Instead of doing one of those damned exercises, I marched in place. It is still marching if your feet never leave the floor, isn't it? And when it was time to get down on the mat for another minute of ab work, I laid there for at least 30 seconds before joining in with Jillian and her "best girls." Ha! Just two more skinny b-words as far as I'm concerned. You know, I never actually watched that show, "The Biggest Loser" but I've seen previews and I've heard that the contestants don't like Jillian much, at least in the beginning. Now I understand why. And I hate her rass, too! She will work the stank crap out of you! But I digress. Let's get back to the unfaithfulness.As I was about to get into the shower and just lay on the floor long enough to take a much needed rest and let the warm water soothe my newly beaten down muscles, in the mirror I saw my stomach that's about as big as it was when I was pregnant close to two decades ago. There was no way to escape noticing the upper back fat, either. Reality busted me smack in the face, above the slightly doubled chin, reminding me that I couldn't drop Jillian just yet. Even if I had to continue to cheat on her during our daily 20 minutes together, I had to stay with her.
With that resolve, I got up the next morning and returned to the living room with my exercise mat and hand weights in tow and put the DVD, "30 Day Shred" into the player. As the DVD started to play, I realized that after a speech that only took her about 45 seconds, Jillian said, "Enough talk!" I should have known at that point the night before that my flat rass was in trouble, over my head. Silly me, I didn't hit the stop button that morning, either. When I pressed play for the first workout routine again, (what, you thought I'd be brave enough to move up to the next level? Let me borrow a line from Whitney Houston with a little addendum... Hell to the Naw and back to Hell first, MOFO!). Didn't I tell you the bi*atch tried to kill me?! And that was the easiest level! The night before, as I passed my son's room and he was looking at me like "what the freak happened to you, Mom?", I explained to him that I was pretty sure I was dead but miraculously, I was still able to walk and talk. Honestly, I think it was the sweat that was still racing down my face and the once straight hair that was now shriveled up and frazzled on the ends so much so that it resembled a rat's nest that caused him to look at me in such a shocked fashion. I digress... back to the story. So, Jillian and I are about to return to the Level 1 workout routine that I had come so close to completing the night before. If you count the one or two or possibly three times I managed to march in place and keep my feet on the floor, then, we can just agree that I completed it.
Alright! Here we go! What the? Uh! My feet wouldn't move! Jillian and her best girls were exercising without me. And if it weren't bad enough that I had just cheated on her the night before by marching in place, as I tried in vein to pick up my feet and my legs decided to band with my feet against me by cramping up, I suddenly found myself fantasizing that I was spending quality time with an ex. Oh, why lie about it? I never really stopped seeing my ex. From time to time, we'd get together and work it out. So, it wasn't surprising that today, I longed for the support my ex was always able to provide. I never felt like I was alone but had someone there to cheer me on. Some people don't think that it's wise to return to an ex, after all, you broke up for some reason. But I couldn't deal with Jillian just then and I longed for the soothing voice my ex is known for. And besides, there was something new that I had not tried with the old ex. Yes, today, I'd spend a few minutes with my ex! Twelve to be exact.
I promptly popped that exercise Nazi named Jillian back into the DVD case and pulled out a DVD that I had purchased but never used by my old standby, Denise Austin... The Daily Dozen. Previously, I had tired of her cheerleader's voice. In the beginning it was nice to have someone not just talking you through the routines but gently nudging you along with phrases like, "Come on! You can do it!" Then, it just became irritating and made me want to smash the T.V. and throw the DVD player on the floor and stomp on it when she had worked me to the max and had the nerve to continue to try to propel me forward with that smile that masked how hard that shyt really was. By the end of the routine, I'd be cussing at her, too... "shut up with your fake azz. Makin' this shyt seem easy. Bi*atch, you tryin' to kill me!" But I had hope, lots of hope, for this new routine. It only takes twelve minutes a day! How hard could that be? That's a whole eight minutes less than that other will-work-your-azz-off-wench. Okay, that was wrong. I could have just called her a Drill Sergeant. Yes, yes! You're right, okay? I have been vehemently against name calling. But she started it by taking me back to my Army days.
Back to the story at hand, I put in dear Denise's DVD. Sometimes, the familiar can be so comforting. Know what I mean? Of course, you do. I was still dragging from the beating I had endured the night before, but I felt confident that I could last the full twelve minutes. So, I wasn't worried when breathing became difficult and labored. I just had to find my rhythm, that's all. I was even okay with the sweat racing down my face. "It's okay," I said out loud to myself. I even repeated Denise's mantra, "Come on! You can do it!" So, it came as a complete shock to me when I found myself marching in place without lifting my feet from the floor, again! The morning after cheating on Jillian Michaels, I'm cheating with my ex on my ex!
I may as well face the truth. Sadly, I am an exercise ho! I can't be faithful to a DVD personal trainer. No matter how supportive and encouraging they are, I find myself taking shortcuts. Sometimes, I just stop the DVD and go on into the stretch that you're supposed to do at the end. Hey, some days are just harder than others. Even though I've been the most faithful with Leslie Sansone with her "Walk Away the Pounds", there are just some days when I'm too tired to use those damned weighted balls. I did finally finish the three mile walk last year, though. Yeah, me!! Just once, but still, I did it. Yeah, me!!
What can I say? The years and health issues have caught up with me. Gone are the days of eating whatever I want, whenever I want with no worries of getting fat. Now, I am fat. It's a struggle to slim down again but I'm not giving up. The one person I'm determined to be faithful to is me! I may not be able to work out with Jillian or Denise or even Leslie every day and complete every task, but I can do something. I just have to keep moving. The key is to expend more calories than I take in daily. I love food (sweets and potato chips are my weakness), but I'm slowly getting better at controlling my portions. Trying to completely deny myself some food item backfires every time.
Oh, and I'm not all alone in my quest to banish this bulging belly. I've got a best friend and a former co-worker who let me tag along to the local park and we chit-chat our way around the mile long track anywhere from 1 1/2 to 3 times at least three days a week. And let me just tell you this, it is so much better than working out in my living room. Ladies, there's usually some dude with a banging, muscular, sweaty body jogging or kicking around a soccer ball or something. And sometimes I forget about my belly when they make eye contact and say "hello" in a husky, I'm all male tone. Of course, still being the shy person that I am, I speak quickly and redirect my gaze. Then I turn back to check out his butt when I think he's not looking. What? You didn't think I was a lesbian because my story is titled "I cheated on Jillian Michaels", did you? You've got to be kidding!!! I love that D-thang too much. It was a cheap ploy to get your attention.
And I hope it worked. I know that there are millions of you out there who are just like me. It may not be due to health issues or a love of food, but for whatever reason, you need to get right with your weight, too. Join me! Come on... you can do it! What do you say? I'll even post a picture and an update once in a while so that you can see how I'm doing. Did I just say that? Damn, it seems I've lost my mind as well. No, really. I'd do that just for you. Let's fight off all the bad things that grab your hand and tag along for the ride when you become overweight... Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, aching backs and knees and feet, sleep apnea, and the list goes on. Of course, you can be thin and have some of these issues, too (been there, will surely be there again after losing weight but at least I can look good with it, ye-ah!).
Denise Austin has been in the fitness business forever and she has many different DVDs for you to choose from as do Leslie Sansone and Jillian Michaels. Please know that Jillian and Denise have different styles but neither is a joke. Of course, there are so many others out there with great work out routines and diet plans. If you'd prefer to dance off the pounds, some of the Dancing with the Stars folks have DVDs available. My favorite professional dancer is Cheryl Burke because I can just imagine myself looking and dancing like her. Hey, stop laughing! Everybody needs to have a dream. You just have to know when you're being delusional and your dream is impossible, that's all. Back to my motivational ending... handsome Dr. Ian Smith has his 50 million pounds challenge. Get busy with Billy Blanks or the ladies of The Firm if you're crazy... no, that's not the word, but I can't think of a better one. Yes, Billy and The Firm tried to kill me, too. I managed to escape unharmed. Seriously, though, choose the poison that best suits you. That's why I walk with the best friend and the former co-worker. And I know that you know what's coming... I cheat on the former co-worker when I can't hang with her 'cause girlfriend has longer legs and it's hard to keep up with her even when she's taking it easy on me. No! I am not ashamed to be a cheat. Let's call it having a variety and move on, people. At least I'm moving. Can you say the same? If you can't honestly say it today, there's always tomorrow. Remember to check with your doctor before beginning any exercise plan.
Here's to our weight loss, friends! I'm trying to bring my sexy back before a real ex comes to visit. Never let the ex see you fat. Good luck! And be blessed.
Sunida E. York © 2009 All Rights Reserved
1 comment:
I love reading articles from your blog. Thanks! I'll be back soon.
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